I was unmovable. Sharp-knife-like pains radiated up and down my back. My body was hurting. Even though I can’t recall the memories, my body clung to the emotional pain from when my grandfather molested me as a child. This blocked out event was brought to light four years ago during a spiritual ceremony and the emotional fallout was still reverberating and effecting my health during a recent session to heal my inner-child.
The deep rooted energy and emotions of shock, trauma and betrayal had been buried within my body for more than 40 years. I was never able to remember anything from my childhood. My memory from birth to 13 years old was blocked out.
However, my body never forgot the traumatic event and for the past 30 years, I have had fibromyalgia from repressing the emotional pain. But, during my most recent inner-child session, my body was finally ready to release the excruciating pain that locked up my back. My frequent energy work, acupuncture, chiropractor and massage work along with many other healing modalities was finally showing some results. The whole experience felt like a painful birthing process.
When we face a traumatic event, even something as simple as someone breaking a promise, a part of our psyche shuts down and is unable to
process and filter out the energy from the event. Our bodies are so intelligent that it wants to protect us. But sometimes in its attempt to protect us, the protection mechanisms could turn into roadblocks for our emotional, physical, mental and overall spiritual development.
I now understand why my body has held on to 40 pounds of extra weight - It was a protection mechanism. As I look back on my childhood photos, I can see at what age my body decided to take matters into its own hands. At the age of 13, I began to put on extra weight to not appear attractive to the opposite sex - I had to protect myself.
Now at the age of 51, I am ready to heal that little girl. That one who didn’t understand. She had no way of processing such a horrendous event. For now on, I will be able to show up for myself in a supporting loving way - not feeling unworthy or rejected or what other emotions I may still have buried deep within me.
I have already seen signs of progress. Just recently I quit my job of 14 years. I was one of the top healthcare recruiters and even received an award for it. I had asked for more money and more help with the amount of openings I had to fill, but it fell on deaf ears. I was slowly starting to feel frustrated and unappreciated. In the past, I would have sucked it up. After all, I am grateful for the steady job, the several weeks of vacation time and salary, but I received another offer for the same position with another company. At first I wasn’t sure if I should accept the new job offer. I was coming from fear and I was almost OK to settle for being unappreciated. But I went with the other company because they showed they valued my self-worth and my talents, and I love my new boss. I will have a month off in between the two jobs and I will be traveling to Virginia for hiking and Belize and Guatemala. I will also have the time for self-care, healing and diving deep in my spiritual practice.
We all struggle with events in our life, known or not known to us. And when that happens … How will you show up for yourself? Will you choose to ignore or run from the memories or the pain your body brings to you? Or will you choose to take that deep dive into yourself and embrace and heal all the known and unknown parts. On the other side of fear and pain are all the things you ever wanted. And guess what, we are worthy. You are worthy!
I hope my story can help you thrive, blossom and free yourself of pain and suffering. Know what you deserve and ask the Universe for it. Get over your fear.